“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by.”~Robert Frost
This life didn’t turn out the way I intended. It seems I have been battling a war my entire adult life. The loss of my son is the most tragic example of a life with intentions not met. I will never see my son graduate high-school, wait for his beautiful bride at the end of the aisle, lovingly hold his children, or have him hold my hand as I leave this Earth (physically of course). I can’t change what has happened and that is the most difficult realization.
Every morning when I wake up a great sadness enters my thoughts as I remind myself again that it was not all a terrible dream. I get ready for my day of pretending that I am okay and that I can handle anything. I do it well as I walk into work and focus on the task at hand. Nobody knows but me that my mind is consumed with thoughts of my son. I see his face in every one I meet and I hear his voice in every song I hear. How am I doing people ask, and I reply that I am fine and doing better every day. This is a line I have taught myself to speak on command in order to keep my job and live this “life”.
I do find happiness in signs from Johnathan and his constant ethereal presence in my life keeps me going. We hold conversations in my heart where he placed himself when he left this world. He leaves me feathers in the cemetery, pennies in the treadmill at the gym, heart-shaped stones, and the color yellow decorates this world in a way I never noticed before. He speaks to me through others reminding me to be happy and that he is always with me.
Ever since Johnathan was born I had this plan that no matter what happens in life as long as I had him life held meaning and purpose. I used to say that no matter how many failed relationships I had, having my little boy with me was all that I needed because he would never leave me. Not once did the thought of him leaving before me ever enter my mind. Until it happens, a parent has no idea nor can they fathom the reality of the greatest loss ever experienced.
I had to accept that my son was no longer with me in the physical since and that I can’t bring him back to life. I had to choose the road less traveled and it was no longer optional. I had to push forward on that road even though many times I was crawling and bleeding on the path. How does one build on a future when they only live in the past? I have no answers.
The only way I know how to push ahead is to hold onto my faith in God and to let him carry me down this road when I am just about to give up. I am a warrior who uses knowledge as her weapons and love as her shield. All I have are the words in my heart and I will keep sharing them to keep my son alive.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—I took the one less traveled”…
Mother of Johnathan~Forever 4~